Friday, June 27, 2008
What obligations ensue in friendship?
A fairly casual friend with whom I have lunch once or twice a week, during which we seem to plunge into intense conversations, raised the question today of what obligations I think should or might follow between two women who call each other very good or even best friends. I think she feels like an old wife who is much cared for but not especially enjoyed nor whose company is sought by her mate. At what point, she wonders, would it be reasonable or even psychologically sound to give up her long-time friend's company in exchange for a fair amount of loneliness/solitude before she makes new friends, but during which time she might be able to stop feeling like an old worn toy. They've been friends since grammar school so she will not find another friendship of so much endurance nor constancy; on the other hand, she is weary of never receiving offers of help from her friend, not of physical assistance nor of money nor, really, of anything. Their bargain seems to be my friend's effort and energy in exchange for her friend's company. Interesting and a bit unsettling. I'm not even sure what questions to ask to help. My father once said that sometimes friendship is very uneven, 60/40 or even 90/10 for a while, but that at other times it goes quite the other way. But when I said that to my friend, she said it never seesaws the other way. Brother. I have to believe she gets more out of it than she is able to verbalize so perhaps my role should be to help her identify that? If anyone has any thoughts . . . . ?
Labels: friends, reflections
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| posted by jau at 6:03 PM
Barb the Evil Genius — at 11:14 AM, June 28, 2008:
jau — at 4:36 PM, June 28, 2008:
DADvocate — at 8:30 PM, June 29, 2008:
jau — at 11:38 PM, June 29, 2008:
| posted by jau at 6:03 PM
5 more:
Barb the Evil Genius — at 11:14 AM, June 28, 2008:
A few years ago I dropped a high school friend of about 15 years because he told me straight out he was not going to put out the effort of contacting me to get together. He didn't mind spending time with me, but I had to put in the initial effort. I didn't want to have the effort going all one way, so I let the friendship go. I do wish I had more friends, but I also want supportive friends, so I don't regret what I did.
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jau — at 4:36 PM, June 28, 2008:
Very interesting thoughts. Thanks - I'll pass them on. I do feel bad, though, because I don't want to sound as if I'm saying "dump her" but that does seem to be the message. Boy, adult life isn't easy sometimes.
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DADvocate — at 8:30 PM, June 29, 2008:
There are people who only seem to take and the only giving is in order to have a "debt" they can collect some time in the future. Robert Schuller said the ideal relationship is 60/40 with each person giving 60% and only expecting to receive 40%.
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jau — at 11:38 PM, June 29, 2008:
I agree, dad, but what if one person is always the 60 side and the other person always 40? I wonder if she owes it to herself to say something or even stop, or if that jeopardizes more than she actually wants to lose. Hard to know from outside, I guess.
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